Know your alcoholic relatives

Malaysia has a deserved reputation for producing cheap knock-offs of designer brands. Less well known is the homage they pay to the unsung heroes of the alcohol industry, the siblings and relatives of the famous names in booze. Here are two examples of this enlightened local practice.

Stanley Morgan

The lesser known Morgan twin, Stanley spent most of his life in the shadow of his renowned brother. Though he showed little ambition to achieve the coveted 'Captain' rank, Stanley was a skilled boatswain and accomplished concert pianist. His budding music career was tragically cut short when a freak dominoes accident claimed the first, third and fourth fingers of his right hand. He lived out his later years on a small distillery in Barbados, until he was slain by one of his former crew-members over a waving related misunderstanding.

Louis Martin

One of the many, many Louis from France, Monsieur Martin was a hopeless drunk and an incorrigible philanderer. Perhaps his sole contribution to society lay in a letter he wrote to his grand-nephew, which read in part:

• Dear Remy,
• The bottle of "champagne" you sent me was as intoxicating as swine piss and tasted no better. Quit mucking about with your girly fruit juice and make something that'll give your grand-uncle a decent buzz, you worthless little [expletive deleted].

Louis Martin died of self-inflicted wounds incurred in a drunken brawl with a Versaille men's room bathroom mirror. Eyewitness reports claim he mistook his reflected visage for a "bloodshot, bat-faced, cake eating Englishman," then threw himself at the mirror in an intoxicated rage.

A Special Message from the Farang Team Psy Ops Department

Kuala Lumpur Impressions: Update

Our hostel has a communal bathroom. This is not a problem for me - I spent plenty of time in college sharing wash-areas with people dirtier than even the smelliest Canadian (ed note: see/smell Gary Yao, 1983 - present). That said, I was startled by the loud banging on the shower door during my morning ablutions. I had just begun selecting my choicest epithets for this would-be intruder when the door crashed open with a resounding crack. Standing before me was a cockroach the size of a 1975 Buick Electra. I cannot say for sure whether the creature was one of the exoskeletoned juggernauts I saw last evening - I don't mean to sound racist but honestly they all look alike to me.

Anyhow, there I stood face to face with this Kafka-esque monstrosity. Armed with nothing but my liquid soap and my Farang team issue Smith & Wesson 908 (never shower without it), I stood my ground, putting three rounds into my new friend 'Gregor' before he scurried back into the bowels of the Kuala Lumpur drainage system. Only a watery trail of sulfurous ichor betrayed the horror I had just witnessed . Suffice to say I will be changing hotels.

Lest I give an overly negative impression, our first full day in KL was otherwise very pleasant. We visited Chinatown, which was full of pushy touts but also had some good eats, then headed over to see the Petronas towers, which are 10 times as awesome as I thought they would be. I'll leave you with some pictures:

One of the two towers and a section of the sky bridge.

The foyer of the connecting building

First impressions of Kuala Lumpur

We just arrived from Hong Kong, which was, by my recollection, a verdant utopia - sort of like the garden of eden, but with better streets and fewer snakes. Now we are in Kuala Lumpur. Here is what I know so far:
1) It is hot here. This means we are in all likelihood closer to hell.
2) It is dirty here. Not in the way a sandbox is dirty, but in the way a dumpster is dirty.
3) There are people who are probably prostitutes leaning against the front of our building. Alternatively, the fashion here is very "forward."

And now a vignette:
Returning from the corner store, we crossed paths with a pair of young gentlemen who had just espied some of the local fauna. Namely, a cockroach the size of a large cantaloupe. The youths instigated an impromptu soccer game using the offending insect as the ball, until a missed kick let it scurry off down the street. Nonplussed, the monster roach rounded the corner and proceeded to mug an elderly man, relieving him of his sole earthly possessions: a half eaten sandwich and a set of wooden teeth.

Panda Butt Scratch

We got a new camera to replace our ailing SD 400 warhorse. It makes videos small enough to upload, so now you can all see what we see.

The Farang team contracted with numerous image consultants to select the best clip to inaugurate our video blogging offerings, something that really says "We're the Farang team." The selected movie was chosen unanimously. Without further ado, here is the highlight of our trip to Hong Kong's Ocean Park:

More Fun Things for Sale on the Dried Seafood Street

Mmmm, bezoars. Also, where did those "teeth" actually come from?

Macau Casinos

Macau is the only place in China where casinos are legal. There are a few historic casinos, but the big American companies are moving in fast. The Wynn, MGM Grand, Sands, and Venetian are already here. In fact, the Venetian in Macau is the largest casino in the world, and man did it feel like it. I'm pretty sure that within five years we'll be hearing about the Cotai Strip just as much as the Las Vegas Strip. Unlike the Vegas casinos, there doesn't seem to be a lot of partying or drinking involved in the scene. People take their cards very seriously here. Ostentatiousness, however, was readily displayed. Observe:

The Grand Lisboa and Casino Lisboa - two of the old timers. The Grand Lisboa was pretty nice, but the Casino Lisboa - despite the marvelously excessive use of lights - was like a dungeon inside.

Casino district skyline.

Incredible and intricate ivory carving in the Grand Lisboa.

The Wynn, stepping on Bellagio's toes and hosting their own fountain show. The Wynn does the Bellagio one better though - theirs includes fire!

This was very strange. Every half hour the Wynn casts visualizations on its ceiling, which then opens to reveal a crystal chandelier. The chandelier is lowered while a golden tree rises from a hole in the floor. The tree rotates and changes colors for about five minutes before being lowered back into its hole. The chandelier is raised, the ceiling is closed, and everything returns to normal. All this is set against a very dramatic Hollywood score, though Ian and I can't remember what movie it's from. Although this was neat to look at, I can't say I really get it.

Pretty colors in the MGM Grand. Also on display: glass by Chihuly (or "Chitooly," as Ian calls him).

At the slots, Ian got the auspicious five canaries, winning $85 HKD!

Who needs Venice when the Macau Venetian is only an hour away?

Complete with opera-singing gondoliers.

Around Macau

We have been so overwhelmed by all that Hong Kong has to offer that we almost forgot we meant to explore other places while we were here too. Fortunately, we were able to throw together a last-minute trip to Macau, just a couple of days before Ian's parents arrived. We spent two days exploring the city and its casinos (stay tuned for the casino post, coming soon). The Portuguese influence is still apparent in the city's architecture and food. Although 95% of the population of Macau is Chinese, Portuguese is still one of the official languages and I had a great time reading signs and menus. I didn't "ultrapassar a linha amarela" but I did have a "bom ano novo." Who wants to practice Portuguese with me? Maybe we can start up weekly lunches or something.

We took our guidebook's recommended walking tour of the historic center of the city and promptly decided that Lonely Planet plans terrible walking tours. We did some wandering on our own and really enjoyed ourselves. We took so many photos of the city and the casinos that we are having a very hard time choosing just a few to post. Here are some from our walking tour:

We lucked out and arrived in Macau on the last day that Christmas decorations were displayed. The dozens of Santas and reindeers we saw were all gone the next day.

The Cathedral of St. Paul, now just a dramatic facade (with a crypt!).

Incense coils at the A' Ma temple. I'm more than a little obsessed with these. Sadly, Ian just read something that said they're incredibly toxic.

Very common throughout Asia: bamboo graffiti.

The Macau Tower, looking very much like the Space Needle. We saw some people bungee jumping off the top.

Poor Piglet, but these were insanely tasty. Don't tell Charlie.

More Apt Naming

Kadoori Farm - Fun and Signs

Yesterday we went out to the Hong Kong Wetland Park, in the New Territories. Our book said it was open Wednesday-Tuesday (that's every day, by normal conventions), which turned out to not include Tuesday. Thanks Lonely Planet. Already being out in the HK boonies, we detoured to Kadoori Farm, which is a combination of farm, bio-awareness museum, zoo, and hiking facility. Here's a fat pig:

The sign has his name as 'Jai Jai,' but in my mind he'll always be 'Emperor Snorffles'

The farm is built on some scenic real-estate. A shuttle bus took us up to the top, which had a suitably Chinese looking platform that gives a pretty good view of the area below.

Roofs like this one satisfy our need to feel like we're in China proper without actually paying for the visa.

Tiara, Farang team founder in her natural element

From the top we hiked down through the farm, enjoying the pleasant wooded trails and cobblestones. Along the way we were treated to some humorous signs, some of which are reproduced here for your enjoyment:

Forget flowers, show that special someone how you really feel.

I'm pretty sure half the guys at my high school went here. Seriously, you should have met these jerks.

This last sign begs viewer participation:

Keeping with the spirit of this sign, we pass the task to you, dear readers: What can you spread to help your community? We invite you to post your answers in the comments.