Know your alcoholic relatives

Malaysia has a deserved reputation for producing cheap knock-offs of designer brands. Less well known is the homage they pay to the unsung heroes of the alcohol industry, the siblings and relatives of the famous names in booze. Here are two examples of this enlightened local practice.

Stanley Morgan

The lesser known Morgan twin, Stanley spent most of his life in the shadow of his renowned brother. Though he showed little ambition to achieve the coveted 'Captain' rank, Stanley was a skilled boatswain and accomplished concert pianist. His budding music career was tragically cut short when a freak dominoes accident claimed the first, third and fourth fingers of his right hand. He lived out his later years on a small distillery in Barbados, until he was slain by one of his former crew-members over a waving related misunderstanding.

Louis Martin

One of the many, many Louis from France, Monsieur Martin was a hopeless drunk and an incorrigible philanderer. Perhaps his sole contribution to society lay in a letter he wrote to his grand-nephew, which read in part:

• Dear Remy,
• The bottle of "champagne" you sent me was as intoxicating as swine piss and tasted no better. Quit mucking about with your girly fruit juice and make something that'll give your grand-uncle a decent buzz, you worthless little [expletive deleted].

Louis Martin died of self-inflicted wounds incurred in a drunken brawl with a Versaille men's room bathroom mirror. Eyewitness reports claim he mistook his reflected visage for a "bloodshot, bat-faced, cake eating Englishman," then threw himself at the mirror in an intoxicated rage.